6 Things not to tell someone struggling with someone else’s mental instability

October 26, 2014Mental Illness, Old Blog

It may seem obvious but when someone has a person in their life who is mentally unstable it is not their fault and it’s not easy. There are some things that you might be tempted to say to them that just really don’t help. Like, at all. So here’s my list of the the things you shouldn’t even think about saying. Let’s look at things from the point of view of the spouse of a mentally unstable person because that’s one of the situations I know best.

  1. If they’ve reached a point where they need to get away from their spouse, even just for a short time don’t ask them if they should be leaving the person on their own. They know what they can cope with and if they’ve reached this point they need the break, they don’t need the added guilt.
  2. Again if they’re at the point of needing a break don’t tell them to make sure that their spouse doesn’t feel abandoned. Again this just adds the burden of guilt to an already difficult decision.
  3. If they ask you not to tell their spouse where they are, don’t. You don’t know if their spouse may be violent when they are unstable, no matter how much you think you know about this relationship I can guarantee you don’t know everything. Trust your friend, son, daughter, whatever the relationship to you may be that they know if it’s safe to tell their spouse where they are given how unstable they are.
  4. Tell the person if you are talking to the mentally unstable spouse, don’t ever lie about it thinking that what they don’t know won’t hurt them. I can almost guarantee that they will find out and then they will not know how much they can trust you as well.
  5. Don’t ask them if they are treating their spouse fairly. If you are hearing the mentally unstable person’s side of the story, you are not hearing the true and rational side of the story. Always listen to both sides of the story before even thinking about offering an opinion.
  6. If they are separated, don’t tell the other party if the mentally unstable person is ringing you and talking wildly or threatening suicide. Ring the police not their estranged spouse because the police can find them and help them. The mentally unstable person, of course, wants you to ring their spouse because then they can make them worry without contacting them directly.

I’m sure that there are many other unhelpful things you can tell someone who is struggling with the mental instability of  a spouse but these are the ones that have most affected me in recent months.